well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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