he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
my liver is dry heaving
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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