you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is Oprah even human
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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