She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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