be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
