have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
