Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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