Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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