Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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