Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
