at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize