I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize