Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
