DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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