U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
