found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
