I wish life had little blips of pornography
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
