are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
