I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
