My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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