guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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