sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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