whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
