i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
