This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
