dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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