He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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