if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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