I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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