I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize