I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
