I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
