Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
