it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
