PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
