At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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