I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I supernannyed him into submission
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
