I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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