my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
