no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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