Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
