i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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