I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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