no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
