I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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