i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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