Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we made out on top of his cat.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
zippers are such a cool invention
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
