If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
