I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
