I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We're too hungover to prance.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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