Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My ass is underappreciated
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize