yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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