so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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