Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
