you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
