Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
