I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
