no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So here I am, sexting at work.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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