went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
