we're chasing vodka with high fives
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
