it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
