Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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