go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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