I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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