Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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