He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
