Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
