Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
