I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
