mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize