i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
