ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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