No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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