Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just gargled with NyQuil
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
