Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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