she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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